Allthis and i haven't even started yet...

I got an email from Ariel about the PMM after a week of doing my own rituals.

I did a huge round of them last week during the full moon, starting with a Letter To The Universe i did during the eclipse. It was very powerful.

Background: during the last new moon, i did a ritual using my Harry Stine Wishing Machine using one of Ariel's Psalms. For days afterwards birds surrounded me in my real life. Something was happening.

After the eclipse and round of work i did during the full moons, i started getting all this info an realizations. Some of it was very positive but there was a side that was extremely toxic and confusing.

On the toxic side, i realized that i am the frog in The Scorpion & The Frog and i keep missing my blessing because i take pity on users and i keep rescuing them from their well-deserved karma.

On the positive side, i DID get the message i was supposed to get twice. once in a dream, and the other from Ariel's reading last week.

In the middle of the night on Saturday, i woke up repeating Psalm 100:4. I heard it very clearly in a dream. And i woke up with a feeling that this time i was going to get a major breakthrough.

In a search for an answer, i went on to Ariel's YouTube channel and looked up his biweekly Capricorn divination which he did with the Lenormand set. His reading confirmed my Psalm, and he also said i'd be put to the test of avoiding cruelty this week. So i made an extra note to watch out for that test and avoid it in addition to meditating on Psalm 100:4, because i usually fail these tests.

I spent yesterday reading LW deLaurence's grimoire - the chapters about spiritual morality and an admonition not to be generous to the wrong persons; also that kindness to scoundrels is a vice that karmically counts against you, not a virtue. I was reading while drifting in and out of short naps to meditate on the meaning. I was taking Ariel's admonition to heart, trying to prepare myself for the test of cruelty, because i didn't know what form it would take.

Well, the test happened last night. I'm trying to figure out if i passed or failed, because i don't know how i feel about it right now.

The test came in my Facebook inbox. I had just woken up from a nap where i was considering Psalm 100:4 and how to apply it to my life. When i logged onto my computer to take notes, i had a notification. A stranger DMed me asking for recommendation to a conjure doctor.

We got into a conversation. The more they spoke, the more i realized. I was dealing with a total POS human being.

Conjure is so amoral, but even by conjure's amoral standards this person was out of line.

Near the end of the argume...conversation, i flat out told this person 'you're not looking for love magick, or even a love bind/love slave thing. Go hire a contract killer.' And when she tried to deny this, i told her, 'no, that's exactly what you're looking for. You just don't want to admit it.'

So Ariel's divination was 100% RIGHT!

I told this person, i can't help you. Good luck with that. And ended the convo. They were furious, and frankly, i felt spiritually disgusted from having to deal with them.

Immediately after that convo, i got another notification to expect a major blessing, but tbh i didn't feel blessed. I felt like someone jumped in front of me and tried to poison my path, and even worse, i felt like i let them do it.

Went back to sleep and had a dream. In the dream i was waiting for an elevator in a really posh room with mahogany walls. the elevator came, but two women pushed me out of the way and jumped in the elevator. I couldn't fit in because of social distancing, so i had to let them ride the elevator up. but for some strange reason, at some point in the dream, i astral projected into the elevator and went up with them, watched them get off, and watched the elevator come back down for me. then when it got back down, i got on. However, i woke up before it took me where i was going. The doors DID close and i DID start to go up, but i woke up before i got to the top.

I woke up confused. Like, was i IN the elevator? Or was i watching it take SOMEONE ELSE up? And why did i wake up before i could see where i was going? I didn't get it at all.

Then i realized. Somebody stole my blessing. I let that person come along and distract me out of my thanksgiving state with her cruel demands. Once again i was drowning from trying to take a Scorpion across the river.

This morning i made a point of going through the conversation i had last night and ERASING any comment i sent that person that would further their fucked up agenda. the messages i left were basically common-sense ones where i pointed out that she was delusional, that magick doesn't work the way she wants it to, that she tried to weasel a curse out of me for free after paying others to curse innocent people, and that maybe, just maybe the angels are protecting the person she's trying to curse from HER aka SHE'S the problem. I realized that in between me trying to help a miserable wretch use somebody, i was actually still giving her solid advice. I took everything away except for the solid advice and left that in case she decides to revisit our conversation.

A part of me thinks i finally learned this lesson - but a part of me also thinks i may have learned it too late.

What can i do to get back on track? Everything was going so well until last night, and i don't want to lose another blessing due to yet another interloper taking advantage of my Achilles' heel (being kind to assholes out of guilt)

I know this is long, and a strange way to enter the PMM - but i need to get past this blind spot in my mind to finally succeed in life.